Love or Just in Love With it?

It’s no secret, but my perspective on what romantic love consists of disagrees frequently with the general, societally accepted view.

Of course, you’ve heard me speak on the merits of being alone, the dangers of seeking acceptance and the beauty of experiences becoming new again, but I think Alice has a lot more to go through before she reaches the bottom. Really, the hole goes much, much deeper. It’s one of the reasons the majority of my posts relate to our social conditioning.

Variety and keeping things fresh is important to me, but while I attempt to space out this series of posts in a less homogenous way, I ask that you continue to lend me your eyes and minds as we follow the white rabbit in search of answers.

We’ve left off the last series of blog posts on some highs. I’ve shared my experiences and perceptions with you in a way that I hope has helped you, but today I’m only sharing observations.

I’d like to peruse the thought of being in love with the emotion of Love.

That sounds a bit heavy, doesn’t it? It’s a curious idea, but one I’m sure some of you can relate to. In fact, some of you may be inching closer to screens, shifting or shuffling in your seats, wondering where this thought might go.

It’s a seemingly striking dilemma of our generation that is only getting worse. And though we’ve already explored the simplest reason for this (i.e. Loneliness), there’s a complexity to this that can be more harming than it seems at first glance.

As far as Loneliness is concerned, you’ve read my views on it, so I won’t delve much deeper into the topic again. Instead, I wanted to use our time today to speak a bit more on the effects of loving “Love” and how when we seek it, it ultimately hurts us.

Even though I’m a self-diagnosed introverted extrovert, I think we can say that being with others is pretty fun, no? The “experts” will say we’re social creatures with biological and survival instincts that encourage bonding, but as those creatures: what is it we say about it? Particularly, what is it we say about it in this generation?

I think we can agree that we don’t quantify or measure the feelings we get from other people. Often, we’ll just act out of whatever “feels” right. And just doing that feels so awesome! In following your feelings you get to experience joy, sadness, anger and many more things that enrich your life with so many wonderful things.

One of the most powerful catalysts for these feelings is, of course, Love.

Now, it doesn’t help that society has glorified, commercialized, materialized and drilled the necessity of reciprocated love into our heads. Here we are with these wishes of reciprocation, acceptance, fulfillment and this actually wouldn’t be so bad, except for the fact that we look for these things to be received from others. It’s particularly powerful when it’s from a person whom we love.

It’s almost as though if love only comes from ourselves it’s not enough, it’s not special and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

Our insatiable desire for love is a dependency, like a crutch, that we use to feel validated.

If you’ve been reading for a while you likely knew this was coming, but did you know you can get addicted to the feeling of love (especially if you [think you] have felt it before)?

How foolish of me.  

Of course you do. And that’s precisely the issue.

That’s why I know you’re still here devouring these words, wondering where they’ll go.

We are sometimes aware of our own craving and sometimes we are not. It’s becoming clearer to me that more often than not, people are living their lives in a way where they can go from one feeling of love to the next, hopping from one to the next in the hopes that they won’t have to move anymore—or perhaps to renew that “feeling” since it ultimately fades with their partner at the time.

Frankly, I think it’s lazy, but can I blame them? Absolutely not.

I’ve been there too. It’s our condition. We want attention, we want to feel important and what’s most curious to me is that we want to get that hit from other people. That’s why we call love is called a drug.

What it comes down to for some of us, and some among you may not yet know whether this applies to you, is that our desire to seek love or affection is just a story we tell ourselves so we can justify feeding our Ego (see this post on seeking and not finding things)

We are in love with the feeling we get from someone who has chosen to devote themselves to validating our happiness. Who could say no to such devotion?

There’s a huge emergence of dating sites, dating apps, meet-up apps, and worse still, poor commitment situations where the purpose is to achieve a base level of affection and physical response without actually understanding where that need really comes from.

The basic premise of all these things is that they satisfy the human need for attention. It feeds the Ego. In fact, I would challenge you to ask yourself whether your real craving is for love or for a satisfaction of your Ego. Ultimately, both are detrimental, but recognizing the nuance and where you sit could reveal a lot about who you are as a person.

Do so at your own risk.

Again, there’s nothing wrong with craving love, but it does change the dynamic of your relationship with someone when they are with you for you and you are with them for you. It’s a lot of “you’s,” but I won’t apologize because this really is about you at the end of the day.

It’s about understanding the motivations for your actions and how they can reveal a lot about the foundation of your relationship with someone else, and more important with yourself.

Maybe you want to tell me that it’s not that easy and that relationships are complicated. To love someone is a complex thing. You would be right.

I’m not coming to you from a scientific approach. This is a very real, non-scientific, observation of what I’ve come to experience.

You all know this already, but I’m a believer in grand experiences. I think everything in life should be supremely great.

If you’re to do something, do it in a grand fashion. Make it memorable. Shine with all your might.

It may be my athletics background, but I was always told to never “go through the motions” and I think that’s wise advice I’ve carried with me for years. If all you do is half-ass your way through life, then all you end up with is half an ass and who wants that? Buns are always better in pairs and adventures are always best when they’re grand, so why not enjoy your hamburger with someone who makes your buns taste like they’re about to take you to another world.

We are effectively hurting ourselves immeasurably when we allow ourselves less than we deserve.

The question of what it is we deserve is another topic entirely and I will not condone the thought that you deserve it all when you’ve done shit-all to earn it, but let’s at least have the awareness of when we’re going through the motions.

I’m a deep believer in the heart of hearts, the gut-feeling, the intuition in other words. I think that deep down, even if it’s very deep, we know what makes us happy and what doesn’t. We can feel it burning inside of us like a patient and measured fire that feeds our destiny. We sometimes choose to shut that out. We sometimes have done it so many times that it falls quiet for a time. We sometimes pretend we don’t have it. We sometimes pretend the logic of our mind should take precedence. And for all the ‘if’s in the world, the slow, pulsating fire in the deep reaches of our consciousness is ready to give us direction if we would only give it a moment and listen.

We know when something makes us happy or not. We just know.

Most times, it comes through in the form of comfort or conviction. While it’s hard to explain, there’s a moment when things just feel right—or wrong, for that matter.

You’re more than just satisfied with your product. It’s a level beyond “I don’t regret my path” because all that means is you’ve accepted your situation as one that you’ve chosen for yourself… It’s like ordering a pizza or sushi (bear with me). When it arrives and you take that first bite and you realize “Woah, that was a great choice. That was exactly what I wanted”. You have had an inkling, but it was never certain until it arrived.

It’s not always easy to know in advance because you’re taking a guess, but once it’s there you can’t imagine having anything else. Now don’t laugh, the example holds more weight than you might believe. It’s happened to you at least once, just think back.

The question here are some questions to really ponder: Has that happened to you when you were with someone else? Is that how you feel with your current partner? Do you go home and feel like “Woah, great choice. This is exactly what I wanted”? Then maybe it’s time to ask yourself what you’re doing.

The late Jobs will tell us that when the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row then it’s time to change something. Maybe it’s time for you to do the same.

Ask yourself whether what you’re looking for is a grand experience or someone to pass the time. Is it out of longing or out of confidence? Are you confident in who you are or aren’t you? These aren’t hard to answer, but it’s bloody difficult to get to the answer you need.

It’s the difference between Love and Ego.

It’s the difference between being Alone and being Lonely.

It’s the difference between an out of this world hamburger and a burger that just falls flat.

It’s the difference between pizza and sushi.

It’s the difference between Me and Us.

It’s the difference between Love and just being in love with the feeling.

Which one are you?