You’re Alone, and that’s okay (updated)

Note: This blog post was originally posted in 2015 under my old blog, which has since been deactivated. This was one of the most popular narratives I’d written and I wanted to re-share it here for all of you because I still believe that a lot of these ideas remain relevant today. I’ve refreshed my old writing style, trimmed for wordiness and edited for any typos. Hope you all enjoy.

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I want to start with a distinction. Aloneness does not equate loneliness.

This distinction may seem a bit trite and yet still arouse some confusion and curiosity in many among you.

The very core of this word - Lone - does, in fact, designate the singular and you would be right to identify it in both words, though the meanings of these two words couldn’t be further apart.

My writing to you comes today from a place of peace and lucidity and I hope that you will read it with an open mind. It’s a wise man that knows he knows nothing, but I must confess that there is a certain paradox I’ve come to understand through the studies of Buddhism as well as (lots of) meditation, reflection and isolation.

First, here are a few premises to consider

1. Possession is an illusion. And a very dangerous one at that.

Most of us begin our journeys in life with a healthy amount TLC or unconditional love, if you will. Many are gifted and surrounded with things and feelings of warmth; with family and friends; with education and guidance. There are others that are not blessed in the same way, and so some of us begin our lives gifted instead with deceit, pain and lack of meaning. In both of these cases, either spoiled rotten and painfully deprived, human nature dictates we are destined to come to the point where we can fully believe that “something”, or indeed, “someone” should be ours.

The idea that something or someone could be “possessed” or “belong” to one person or another could be called an arrogance that is best observed in our species. The idea that an item or a country, or that an ideal or planet, can be owned, exploited and thrown away is a scary thought, not to mention when we consider how that might apply to how we treat each other. 

And think, if it seems absurd that someone might claim that they can own something like the planet or country in which we live and thrive; it seems facetious that someone might claim to possess or belong to another person, doesn’t it?

2. Some things are meant to be found, not sought.

Perhaps this is obvious and perhaps not. I would err on the side of the latter. In my experience, we are quick to accept an idea that we believe seems obvious and yet there are so many ways in which we forget to apply them. Take, for example, the writer at his desk who stares at a blank screen. For hours he searches, only to find the idea he sought come to him when he sits down in the park, observing others. Or, the entrepreneur who thinks, and thinks, and thinks for a way to make his vision a reality and then finds his idea come to him in a dream or in the shower.

Why, then, do we constantly seek companionship with someone who we know does not fit our ideals, agonizing and tormenting ourselves when we are ultimately disappointed when they fulfill what we knew all along.

Is it so important for us to feel validated? Is it so necessary to feed that “need” for the physical warmth of another?

I have found, and it could be that I am wrong, I often am, that this might be another thing to be found and not sought.

So now, with these two premises formed, let’s dive a bit deeper and explore the original premise of this little narrative.

Now that we’ve determined that possession of something or someone is the ego manifest, let’s delve a bit deeper into why and how we hurt ourselves by attempting to possess another.

Imagine your perfect and ideal person. Have you done it?

Fantastic, you’ve now projected that image of your “ideal” over your partner. Now this may exclude a rare handful of you, but for most of you, and be honest, you’ve gone over in your mind the things you would want to change or improve in another person.

All the wisdom of generations past will say that you should fall in love with the flaws of the person you love, and no doubt you will, and yet there will always be these things you will want to change. And perhaps you have or have not considered that they will have all these things they will want to change about you.

So I ask, is this really love or is this conditioning?

We know that we cannot possess another and also that we are full of flaws, so how can we assume to change something about someone else under these premises. Thus, I believe we are conditioned to fear loneliness.

Our fear of being alone leads to us “seeking” a partner that may not suit us, which ultimately leads us to “settle" and many of us won’t entertain or will even refuse the notion that we might have a) made a mistake or b) that we will have to face the “big, bad and vast world” alone again.

In seeking to not be alone, what we have found is unhappiness and an unfulfilled life.

And just so we’re clear, that’s perfectly okay.

This is a part of life and fear is completely normal.

It’s okay to be afraid. We all are. At some point we all feel like we are being consumed by a vastness or darkness so great we could lose ourselves in a heartbeat.

I’ve been practicing self-love for a long time now and it’s only recently that I’ve been able to really grasp some of its most important notions, two of which I’ve shared above. With this in mind I implore you to really evaluate your actual situations and relationships.

Place yourselves in the shoes of your partners and loved ones and try to see yourself from their points of view. Are you satisfied with what you see? And what about vice-versa? Could you be more in their eyes? Do you want more? And what about them?

Everything you see, think and interpret is possible in the same way all iterations of you are possible.

Ultimately, you are the pioneer of your life.

You are the protagonist of your adventure.

Take the time to find out who you are and what you love. Learn about your flaws and for all the ones you might have, learn to love each of them.

They are you.

Find what you would like to improve and work on that. In doing all of these things, you learn to love who you are.

And I’ll promise you this, it’s a full-time job. 

And I certainly don’t recommend doing it when you’re involved with someone else.

This practice is a selfish, selfish work and it’s also the most beneficial, beautiful and fulfilling endeavour you might ever achieve.

You will begin to see others in a different light and they will begin to see you as an entirely different person. You may find your tastes have changed and you may find that you love your partner more deeply. The same goes with them.

You may indeed find that you are much happier alone and for most people I think it’s necessary to be, at least for a while.

And that’s okay too.

In learning to love yourself and I mean really love who you are, you give yourself permission to make mistakes, experiment, explore and, at the end of the day, this all amounts to living.

Life is free and it is urging, nay, it is begging you to take just one for yourself.

When you do, your opinions of others will no longer be important to you and their opinions of you will be equally unimportant in your eyes. The only opinion you will—and should—value, as it relates to your person, is your own.

As a result, you will learn to find and no longer seek. Why?

Because the warmth of someone’s arms is no longer as important as the warmth you feel by living the Truth of your soul.

There is a certain kind of joy that you will never find in the arms of another and that is the joy self-fulfillment.

When you can deeply embrace yourself, the joy of everything you do is unquantifiable because that personal joy is one that only your unique person can relate to.

I’m not saying to become a hermit (unless you want to), but don’t feel ashamed or afraid of what the future can bring you. It’s a bright place that can be everything you ever wished if all you did was step into that seemingly dark abyss.

And, because you no longer possess anything, that darkness can no longer possess you. In that knowledge, the pit turns into a blindingly bright universe of infinite possibility.

At the end of all of this, if you find yourself alone, not because there’s no one for you and not because you’ve alienated everyone, but because you’ve found so much joy that no other person has [yet] brought you more, then that’s okay too!

At the end of this long, arduous journey maybe you’ll find someone who complements this beautiful you that you’ve learned to resonate with and maybe you won’t.

You’ll be alone. And that’s okay too.

At the end of the day, you’ll have found and become friends with the most important person in your life: You.