Acceptance
Our nature is a fickle one, where we are both guided and hindered by our desire for a future that does not yet exist. You see a vision in your mind, a glimmer, at what the future might be.
Maybe you see yourself as the head of a successful business or you visualize the empire you built as an entrepreneur. Maybe you see yourself as a world traveller whose adventures are akin to those heroes and protagonists you once read about in your story books.
Maybe you see yourself as part of a family, as either a parent or a sibling. Maybe you see yourself as someone’s partner, either with a specific person or just someone who can simply love and be loved in return.
These castles we build for ourselves in the sky give us hope; they give us a reason to wake up in the morning. We cherish these feelings and they drive us to do great things, but sometimes they bleed into our identities, causing us to be dependent on those dreams and outcomes; as if not attaining the dream that we had foreseen makes us a failure, after all it was a vision that we saw, right? It felt real.
The “reality” strikes us that maybe we couldn’t be enough to make them the reality that we saw in our head. So we reject the thought and we hold onto an idea, a love or a dream because of what the loss might say about us and our worthiness.
It’s no secret that in meditation and Buddhism, acceptance and letting go of something is the hardest thing you can do. It’s letting go of all those dreams you built up and if I may be so pointed… the futures that may never materialize with the person/vision you thought would be for you.
You tell yourself that despite all the things that weren’t right, there were so many that were good and if only X would happen or if only Y would be fixed, you could still obtain the dream that you had built up in your mind.
It takes everything from you and makes you question your identity because, and despite everything, those beautiful memories that you had made once upon time will remain forever that… memories locked away in the corner of your mind, never again to be experienced with that other person and never again to exist in this world. The perfect confluence of events failed to materialize this time.
It’s the knowledge that the once endless road of possibility has eliminated a possible future and all the branches associated with that future.
The loss of a future that once brought you joy, now brings you painfully to your knees.
Was everything as good as I remembered? Was there something I missed? Did I build things up in my mind and did I not see something for what it truly was? And even if you didn’t and you knew the conclusion, did it make it any less real for the way it ultimately turned out?
The endless abyss of “what ifs” claims your mind and makes you question everything you know about yourself. “Was I enough? Did I miss something? Could I have done better?” And while the questions are valid and the patterns of thought must be run through, those are not the questions that need answering.
It’s obvious to say that Acceptance is about accepting things, but it’s a lot easier said than done, especially when you’re in the middle of trying to accept a loss, or something as equally difficult. At the beginning, our bodies reject acceptance so much that it feels like a hole in our heart, a pit in our stomach, or a racing mind that never seems to quiet.
I believe what’s really happening is that our body is going through all of these thoughts and all of these feelings because it’s coming to terms with the reality that nothing more can be done in a situation and it’s finding its own way to make peace with that. It’s fighting that reality because once it fully accepts that nothing can be done, you need to finally come to terms that those beautiful, incredible memories that you created will be forever that: beautiful memories, both finite and in the past.
Knowing that the memories were there and that we were lucky to feel and experience them in the first place offers little comfort. This is especially true when you realize you gave it your all and despite no “cataclysmic event”, despite a mutual understanding of your shared situations, nothing else can be done to remedy things, you are at an impasse—and just small side note for all my people pleasers and those with trouble setting boundaries, it’s not your job to remedy the situation or fix a situation or a person, just a friendly reminder.
However, and this takes time, you come to find that your love for another person, your love for your project or business, these still remain and that energy, that love, continues to flow inside and all around you. Indeed, it may take on a new shape, giving way to new love to form.
For all the beauty of a new love forming, that is also hard to accept because it means leaving an old love in the past…
In the end, you gain a bit of solace knowing that there were lessons that you took away and that will transform who you are forever, but the pain of what it cost still stares you in the face. The loneliness you feel is a constant reminder of what once was and could have been, if only things were different.
If you’re still reading and this post offers little more in the way of advice, I’m sorry. I wish I could do more, but I think acceptance is also one of these things to be found and not sought.
Like many among you, I also grapple with accepting and letting go, and to be frank, I probably struggle more with it than most. In an effort to be more vulnerable, I won’t hide that I am going through another bout of this myself.
I’ll write in more detail about it in another post, but I believe that the lack of failures in my life is what makes it so hard for me to accept what’s happening inside me right now. I’ve always been able to steer a situation to the conclusion I foresaw, except for in my relationships, where its strength comes from your ability to be vulnerable and to give your heart to another person, hoping they feel the same and that they won’t use it against you.
The difficult part is that despite everything I feel and want, I can’t control someone else, I can’t force them to feel a certain way, no matter how much I want it to. That’s how resentment starts and that’s not any of our objectives, I’m sure we can all agree.
If I can share a bit of my vulnerability with you, I was involved with someone where the timing wasn’t right, where we both agreed that we still had lessons left to learn, traumas to unpack and healing to complete if there was ever any chance of a future for us.
It became difficult for both of us because despite everything that felt right between us, the things that felt wrong couldn’t be overcome. Despite our best efforts to be there for each other, we couldn’t come together as two wholes because we were, in fact, two holes and only practicing self-love on our own separate paths could make us full again.
What’s worse, as I mentioned in my blog post on Timing, for us it was about coming to terms with that and accepting that perhaps this was our one moment in time where we were able to come together and be exactly what we needed to be for each other. That in our one moment we gave each other everything we possibly could and needed at that time, and that this was it. Another chapter to be closed.
I am overcome with a deep sadness, knowing that through all of those beautiful moments, our universes may never collide again—or perhaps not in the same way, at least. It’s the pain that despite all of the love we shared, this is the conclusion to this chapter, if not our whole story, despite how we may ultimately feel or what we may ultimately want.
Those feelings of loss, of futures come and gone, of questioning our worth; it’s our human condition and I’m no exception. And yet despite all of this, I feel like I’m on the edge of a breakthrough and the lessons I learned in my time with this amazing person, despite its destructive habits, were lessons that were necessary for me to learn to become more whole and loving as a person.
And if nothing else, if you need some indication that there is some kind of light at the end of the tunnel, remember that these feelings and this loss I’ve felt is what ultimately brought me before you today, so I could share a piece of my heart with you. So that you could share in my grief, but more importantly share in the lessons I’ve learned in understanding my pain.
One of the most important things that I’ve learned is that vulnerability, no matter how difficult or scary it may seem, is not something to shy away from, but to lean into.
When your heart is broken, your instinct may be to curl in and compartmentalize, but often it’s that feeling of retreating further in that prevents us from moving toward our most authentic selves, toward the sense of self-confidence and belief that you are worth of everything that you envision for your life.
That maybe sometimes, all you need is not a different you, but a different dream.
In a lifetime of hurt and disappointment, we may sometimes feel like a piece of ship wood, stripped away, beaten and battered until we no longer remember who we once were. This calls into question all notions of who we thought we were and how we fit in the mold of society and their perception of us.
In accepting the lessons we’re meant to, in the time we’re meant to, we give ourselves permission to rise to the worth we always believed ourselves to be and that raging storm that strips away at our dignity and self-worth turns into a cleansing rain.
In our pain, we begin to learn and we slowly begin to wash off the moss and the mold of our insecurities that once ate away at us, giving way to new blessings and a purer, healthier love.
A part of you may always hold onto to the beautiful memories that you created and there is no need to doubt, there were beautiful memories. And since there were no cataclysmic events, maybe things happen to work out in the way that you envisioned
… and then again, maybe they don’t.
As I like to say: You can only do the best you can, with what you have and pray that there is a forgiving god.
Time is the only thing that will reveal the future and in the meantime you can only work on yourself, your lessons and your desires. Letting go and accepting things for what they are is about being firmly rooted in the present and what is real.
You can’t dream of a future that does not yet exist and you cannot dwell in a past that can no longer be revisited.
However, in focusing on who you are today and the things that you can do to heal yourself and your traumas, you give yourself room to be okay with where things are and to fully feel and accept the pain and insecurities in your heart so you can move forward and continue to grow into the person you were always meant to be.
You open yourself up to other avenues on the road of infinite possibility that you might not have otherwise visited.
I’m not saying it will be easy and I’m not saying it will be fast, but it will be worth it. I’m not there yet, but I promise to share what I find on the other side.
