Hearing the truth about the one who got away

One of the hardest things we will go through in our lifetimes is hearing the truth within the truth. I mean really hearing what a person is saying through all the fluff and fancy words they say to make you feel good about yourself.

There are times in your life where you find yourself faced with the reality that things aren’t what you thought they were. The truth for example, that someone doesn’t feel the same way about pursuing a relationship with you. It doesn’t mean they didn’t have feelings for you, but the reality and the truth is that they don’t quite feel the same or see a future with you.

Maybe you were convenient to have around, maybe you perfectly filled a need/hole that they needed filled at that time to respond to their insecurities or fears; whatever the case is, at the end of the day you don’t have two people clearly saying “I want to make this work” and you really need to hear that. Read that again because you really need to hear and understand this.

You have one person saying they will do whatever it takes and the other saying (implicitly or not) that they don’t FEEL like what you’re working towards is worth fighting for beyond the existing circumstances.

It’s hard because sometimes they offer scapegoats that mask the truth behind the words that are said. You may hear about insurmountable obstacles that they, or you, need to work through, that if only things were a bit different, if only the timing was different, “if only Paris could fit in a bottle”, that it could work.

They may also make constant reference to a looming expiration date, that the two of you may not be quite the right fit, and mind you they could be right, you may even know it yourself. But when they throw out that lifeline, the hope that maybe things could somehow work out “one day” at some arbitrary date out far into the future, these are the subtle cues to prepare you for their realization that deep down that you just weren’t the one for them.

Implicitly or not, there are all these small clues dotted throughout your relationship, that this person doesn’t FEEL the same thing you do. Physically, maybe they want you. Mentally, maybe they like you. Emotionally, maybe there is that urge for a companion. It’s even possible that you resembled someone that caused them trauma in the past and now they were finally able to unload all the frustrations that were never said, expressed or resolved in the past (at your expense).

You become a convenient outlet for all the things that were left unsaid and the traumas that were never addressed. Through all of this, the worst feeling is that while that person may have feelings for you, they ultimately do not see themselves with you in the long-term.

It dawns on you that you were… just a rebound, a great one even, but no more, no less; a stepping stone, so that they could find a new way forward in their life.

In the meantime, you tell yourself whatever story you need to, that you can build your hopes on, so that you can hold onto the idea that maybe over time, or one day, you can change their mind and they will see the light at last… but still the truth remains the same: they just aren’t as invested in the same future that you see.

It’s a serious, serious, punch in the ego, but it’s the awful fucking truth.

It’s a huge blow to deal with because on one end you feel like you would be willing to do whatever you can to make that person happy, to make them feel secure. However, no matter what you do, it still never seems to be enough. It doesn’t respond to their needs in the way that they need, and no doubt, this isn’t your responsibility. It is something they need to find within themselves.

But at the end of the day, the truth is that you are not what they need, nor what they want or align with deep down inside them anymore, and it hurts to learn that truth.

It’s not that you're not worthy or that you’re not enough. You’re just not what they need, what they ultimately want in their future.

And because we’re offered all of these scapegoats and logical reasons for why things didn’t work out in the end, you hold onto this small chance that: “maybe someday, after all, they told me that they just need to figure some things out, right?”

And yet the reality still stares you in the face, that this person that you chose, willingly chose something or, and it’s going to sting to hear, someone else.

It’s also possible that this person really is going through a rough time and that the obstacles they need to overcome are truly, impossibly difficult to surmount. In that case, what they are saying, and you need to hear this, is that there is no possibility for a happy relationship here, period.

It doesn’t matter how you feel or what you do to try and remedy this. In both cases, you need to hear the truth within their truths, which is that you are not the one for them. And the truth, which you know deep down since the clues have been left like little breadcrumbs throughout your relationship, is that you have been rejected. And it’s a really sucky feeling.

It’s facing the truth that this person truly, in their heart of hearts, doesn’t feel the same you do, and they just couldn’t bring themselves to say it, but what they’ve been trying to tell you all along is:

“I don’t want to be in this relationship enough to do the hard things necessary to make it work”

Even though you were willing to show up as a partner to make it work, they just didn’t feel like they wanted or could do the same. You served your purpose and it’s time to move on. Thanks for playing, next.

It’s an awful and traumatic experience to go through and I don’t wish that on anyone, but realizing this can also be cathartic.

When you accept and embrace that you have been rejected, or that you could not be in a happy relationship with that person, perhaps you can begin to see an answer that can bring you peace.

It’s the work we do to look inward and really understand who we are, what it is we’re looking for, how we’re really feeling, and processing, internalizing and understanding the value we bring to the people and the world around us.

That’s where we can start to heal and make ourselves whole again. It’s there that we can begin to be true to ourselves and how we feel. It’s there that we begin to our understand that we’re not wrong for having the boundaries that we have. They were based in what’s true in our hearts.

Ask yourself, why be with someone that does not want to be with you?

On the off-chance that there are “real obstacles” preventing from you from being with them, in that case what you are doing is actively avoiding an unhappy relationship. Though, more often than not, these obstacles (bar a serious medical condition) are just a softer way to let you come to terms that it was never really about their obstacles, it’s just that they didn’t see the value in working through it with you.

It’s difficult… yeah… it’s really difficult.

For all the beautiful memories and photos, that person will never be yours and it hurts like hell to let that go.

It gets even harder when you see that person start to move on, live their life and see new people, but in a way, it’s part of the closure you needed so you could also feel okay with closing this chapter. You may never get that closure from them, but you can be okay knowing that you did your best and that you gave it your all. In the end, closure is something you get from yourself.

I do want to add that despite all of this, it shouldn’t sour the memories you had together, but it also doesn’t stop the hurt. The key is not to shy away from the realizations and the hurt. By not suppressing those feelings, you give yourself room to slowly heal. It’s true you come out a bit more battered, a bit more bruised also, and maybe a little more jaded, but in time you find some peace. You give yourself the space to move forward again, with a better mindset and from a better headspace, so that when you find the right person to receive everything you have to give, you can give your all without holding onto that fear or that trauma that you went through.

At least, that’s my hope.

My learning from all this is that vulnerability sucks. If I’d known that I would let my walls down again to be staring down the barrel of this smoking gun that says: “You idiot, you knew better,” I would never have exposed myself… but on the other hand, I’ve also learned vulnerability can be beautiful if applied correctly.

I’ve learned that if you lead with it from the beginning, things may actually turn out differently than they might have. You might connect differently with your person or even your friends or coworkers in your day-to-day interactions. Vulnerability is a practice and your vulnerabilities may actually help in bridging a gap that existed in all your prior relationships, by not making yourself so hard to understand at the start of it all.

It’s not to say that the situation will end up differently, but being more vulnerable at the start may make you less prone to hurt since you’re not working so hard against your authentic self in an effort to not be hurt.

It could also mean that you’re less likely to share certain vulnerabilities with certain people because you’re more attuned with your inner self and you can be more authentic with how you feel and where your boundaries come from. You come in whole, ready to give your all, ready to explore every avenue, knowing that you can cut things off anytime if your values are misaligned, before things get too messy or destructive.

With the right person, it can bring you what you were looking for all along.

Maybe it takes a few more tries to get it right, but that’s why practice makes perfect. Again, we’re all trying to do our best in a world that sometimes seems like it can swallow us up if we let our guard down, but that’s why I’m learning how to be more open and encourage this kind of discussion with people close to me and indeed, with you, my readers.

Just remember, through your hurt, if you really cared for that person, even if they couldn’t find their happiness with you, it’s okay that they still can find real happiness with someone else.

And so can you.

It’s okay to give yourself permission to move on, after all, they did… even if they couldn’t really admit it.