You need to embrace rejection, seriously. (Updated)

Note: This blog post was originally posted in 2015 under my old blog, which has since been deactivated. This was one of the most popular narratives I’d written and I wanted to re-share it here for all of you because I still believe that a lot of these ideas remain relevant today.

I DID NOT read this before writing yesterday’s post on Hearing the Truth About the One That Got Away and this has helped me feel way better about my own recent rejection. It’s almost like a letter from the past me to the present me. I went through my archives and found this and it blew my mind with how relevant it was so I decided to make this the follow-up post to that.

Note: I’ve refreshed my old writing style, trimmed for wordiness and edited for any typos. Hope you all enjoy.

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Seeking acceptance is something engrained in us. Whether it’s a result of our upbringing or simply our nature; for some reason we seem to always be in search of someone or something that can accept us—flaws and all. Now, I’m by no means a neurologist of any kind, but it is my belief that this desire for acceptance is deeply rooted somewhere in our brains.

This craving is fabulous for the way it gives us the opportunity to relate with people and bond with people who are similar to us. The constant pangs that remind us of our desire to connect, interact and create moments of joy are an absolute pleasure that fuels most actions in our lives. On the other hand, it is also a drug in some ways—and not the kind we should want to take too often. Nothing makes us feel as important or appreciated as someone’s acceptance of us. Why else would we sit in anxiety in our bathroom stalls, waiting for that first “Like” to light up the screens of our quickly-dimming phones after we’ve posted something new.

Our desire to to be constantly accepted, appreciated and, more seriously, coddled can become an obsession and we’re all so conditioned to be beings that receive love that we can spend the entirety of our lives in pursuit of that.

By taking even just a cursory glance at our surroundings we begin to see many of us literally live and die by acceptance. Look at the depressed teenager, unappreciated and unaccepted. How about the instagram star addicted to achieving the perfect #selfie? Or the Wall St. traders competing for the fanciest suits and cars? Have you checked your phone since you started this piece? You’re beginning to see the issue.

Now if this wasn’t enough, not only do we want to be accepted; we want to accept everyone as well. Whether it is for fear of being offensive, fear of being abandoned or sheer greed of overloading ourselves with information, the result is the same. The interminable Facebook list of friends (or Instagram followers) you’ll never speak to is one such example as well as the countless instances of small talk that never extend beyond:  

“Hi, how r u?”

“Good u? whats up?”

“nm u?”

“nm”

(Great chat, talk to you never)

Now, manners are great. Of course! Of course!

But, if someone were to play their song and dance, as many are wont to do, in a poor attempt to drain your time, would you still remain correct? Better yet, should you? Why spend your most important currency on those who do not enhance and make your life the beautiful and wonderful thing that it is? Aren't you worthy of at least that?

Perhaps you would say that you are fulfilled and I will not tell you that you aren’t. That would be presumptuous and I would be mistaken to paint everyone with the same brush. Instead, I would simply like to ask you with whom you spend the majority of your time? If the majority of it is with a host digital constructs you cannot see, smell, touch, hear and feel in the flesh I would like to humbly present a change of perspective.

I’ve had the immense privilege of living a life where the number and variety of people I have encountered has given me a fringe perspective (at least it is, in my eyes). And, because I am constantly on the road and without much technology—the reasons for this are numerous and varied, but I digress—I am routinely being challenged to meet new people organically.

I don’t deny that the perspective this gives me makes me biased, but I believe history is on my side with this particular method of interaction. The synthesis of technological and organic interactions has helped me understand how I personally develop relationships with people, and if you’re still reading at this point, I believe our methods and understandings might find common cause.

I conceive that in a noble attempt to please and befriend all people, we inadvertently harm ourselves and bury ourselves in a vicious circle of giving/receiving approval. I would ask that in this moment you reflect on your day and count the number of times you have encountered approval or praise and the number times you have given it. For the [very small] handful of you unaffected by this cycle, this may not hold true and for the rest, here is the reality:

We are afraid of being rejected and we are afraid of rejecting others.

When the number of people you encounter in a year outnumbers your ability to remember them all, you reach a point where you must find ways to focus on those whose impact is singular and meaningful in your existence.

On my adventures I always arrive at a point where I feel like I am being unintentionally drained of all my energy. The cause of this, from what I’ve discerned, is the accrual of a circle of friends larger than I am able to maintain. As much as I would like to befriend and remember everyone on my path, at some point it becomes a burden.

As a result, I’ve had to harrow, slash and forget my friend lists and those who fail to connect with me on the level I desire and now require. I’ve had to embrace rejection. And contrary to what our upbringing, social constructs and ego will tell us; it is a wonderful thing.

When I was younger I was terrified of rejection. In sports, social, school and more, I needed to be at the top or the centre of it all. I needed to be the best of the best, or the most recognized, never allowing myself to fail or be perceived as a failure.

As children, we don’t know why this is the case, but we are told that it is bad to not want these things and so we wait or caution ourselves against our truest desires. It is better to take a passive or indirect approach that will not bruise our ego or affect the perceptions others have of us. While this helps us learn what is right, the problem is that it makes us fear being wrong. If we cannot err, then we cannot be human.

My desire to be great, along with the help of others, has helped me achieve incredible things. However, I can tell you that my fear of failure, in part due to the amount of work I was putting on myself to achieve greatness, actually ended up preventing me from achieving the heights I wanted.

The amount I would have learned if I had failed and been rejected when I needed to be would have propelled me far ahead of where I was… where I am now. I’m still plagued by a bout of indecision or fear of rejection every now and again and yet I can guarantee you this:

Every time I have made the decision to move forward, either in success or failure, I have learned and experienced more joy than I could have ever dreamed of versus if I had made the choice to make no choice at all.

And so my observation is this. Embrace rejection. Embrace it.

Not for the failure in and of itself, but for the process of making a decision and having a result. Be honest about who you are, your intentions, your dreams and allow yourself the chance to make a mistake in doing so. The only real mistakes you can make are:

A) Not choosing when a choice is presented to you

B) Not being honest to your authentic self

There’s no greater waste of time and if throwing money in the garbage seems ludicrous to you, then why waste something even more precious by pretending to be something you’re not? Be a little more clumsy, nerdy, powerful. Shine with all your might. I guarantee you that many will not be attracted to that person. And? So what? You will repel those who do not resonate with your truth and attract those that do. Let me repeat that.

When you are your truest self, you will repel those that do not resonate with you and attract those that do.

This is not just about being rejected, but rejecting others as well. It’s a package deal. The funny thing is that we try so hard to never step on anyone’s toes and all that leads to is a life we’ve spent tiptoeing through. Some of us live having never been truly alive.

When you are afraid of yourself, you teach others to be afraid of themselves. When you are proud and unafraid to share your truth, you unconsciously give others permission to share their truth with you. On so many occasions I’ve practiced this and "WOW!" is the only way I can describe the difference in reactions.

As I move forward and practice complete honesty with myself and others; I have experienced dialogues and discussions that I could not quite understand at first. On many occasions, people will disassociate with me or choose not to extend any long-term friendships with me. This is actually quite fine with me as I likely feel the same about them.

A conversation between two people does not always result in a friendship and that’s alright. The reason for this is that you have both come to the conclusion that your values do not necessarily harmonize, so there is no need to waste more time. Fantastic!

As someone who meets more people than they can remember, this method of filtering the people I want to keep in my circle of friends is a godsend.

Let me be clear you will find many people not attuned to you. And that’s completely fine, isn’t it? If you are false in your person, then neither of you will really know how well you get along. You will waste an immeasurable amount of time and energy with each other only to drift apart and never know why.

Allow me to explain how those that I can connect with respond to contrast with the above explanation.

When I am able to filter people into either the category of “My Tribe” or “Not My Tribe” then it is because those in the former group have evoked some kind of reaction to the truth I exude. I have given them subtle permission to share all of themselves with me. No judgments. No thoughts. Just listening and connecting.

This often leads to statements such as “I usually never tell this to anyone!”, “You just completely broke through all my masks”, “you’re really comfortable to be around” or even something as simple and heartfelt as “You make me feel at ease”. Now if you’ve ever had a discussion with me, you’ll come to the conclusion quite quickly that I’m not very comfortable to speak with… if I can smell bullshit on you.

Those who can be open and speak honestly from a level of self-understanding (no matter what level) are able to very quickly bond with me because in being completely open with who I am, they feel they can do the same. In letting myself be rejected, for really, this is what it is, people make the conscious choice of whether they want to move forward with me. It makes us close. It makes that moment real. More than any "chat" could.

Why else do online daters meet in person? The ultimate level of connection you have with someone happens in person when your truths are really laid bare. Before people come to make this realization with me, they often express in a sentence, similar to the ones above, that they haven’t been able to do such a thing in a long time—or ever!

I call this “breaking down masks”. Let’s be honest we all have them.

The difference between rejection and acceptance is that acceptance of everyone and wanting to be accepted by everyone will never make you comfortable with being yourself. You will always be concerned about offending the other person. You will always be afraid that you will not be accepted. You will constantly wonder if you’re saying the right things.

Rejection allows you to live without regard for the opinion of others. I’m not saying be intentionally rude. I’m not saying go out and hurt people. I’m saying you need to understand and accept only one thing: You.

In doing so, the opinions of other people don’t affect the way you act because, as the late Wayne Dyer affirms: “What others think of you is none of your business”. Your understanding and acceptance of yourself gives you the freedom to do away with those who don’t appreciate your time. It gives you the freedom to choose those you will keep in your life. In accepting everyone, you sacrifice yourself. Let’s say that again for the people in the back.

In accepting everyone, you sacrifice yourself.

In rejecting that which you do not desire to find on your adventure, you give yourself the room to embrace the things that you do.

So, use rejection to your advantage! Learn to love being rejected as well! Perhaps it stings for a moment, but really, at the end of the day, it’s only someone or something giving you the ability or permission to pursue something else. The pain, it turns out, only happens because we aren't used to it, which may bring up other issues regarding vulnerability and living authentically.

Unsurprisingly, with a little conditioning that pain disappears. It is replaced with thankfulness, mutual understanding and long sought-after inner peace. Our education in the classroom and the playground did not teach us to deal with rejection in the positive ways that it can be done.

Maybe you really, really, really wanted to go to Cuba for your holidays. As it turned out, you went to Africa and helped a village in need. You found your calling in life and became an activist or dedicated NGO worker.

Maybe you really, really, really wanted to date that boy or girl. As it turned out, you found the one you needed at the park the next day, brooding over your last rejection.  

A failure is only a failure when you stop finding the joys that exist in every moment of your life.

When you can no longer appreciate every. single. thing. that comes your way you will have failed. When you can no longer see the opportunity in a rejection. When you can not move forward with conviction toward your dream. When you can not forget the lover who jilted you. When you can not accept that… that thing—whatever it is—it’s over. That is when you will have failed.

Because, in refusing to reject all these things in their time, you accepted to see only what you lost, what could have been and what will never be.

And, unfortunately, you missed out on all the things - well, I’m babbling now, you get the point.