Accepting the Expiration Date
Note: This blog post was originally posted in 2016 under my old blog, which has since been deactivated. This was one of the most popular narratives I’d written and I wanted to re-share it here for all of you because I still believe that a lot of these ideas remain relevant today.
Note: I’ve refreshed my old writing style for some new thoughts, trimmed for wordiness and removed links to posts no longer live, and edited for any typos. Hope you all enjoy.
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Today's post will probably make you a bit uncomfortable. As you might guess, I want to talk to you about relationships.
If you're new here then there are probably a couple posts you should read before sinking your teeth into this one. I feel as though you'll better understand this post if you've gone through those first. Keep reading for now, but consider taking a break to read those posts first on this page.
When it comes to love, I'm not so much into the bullshit that people like to fling around. For better or worse, I call it like I see it. I like to watch people and, call me a creep, but watching people in relationships is one of my favourite things to do. From first flirt to distancing strangers, the whole process is absolutely fascinating to me. From facial expressions to body language, the amount we can grasp from others is incredible if we simply take an interest in them. This is especially true when we start to think about how their interactions parallel our own lives.
Perspective is such a difficult thing to understand and even more so if you can't learn from the lessons of your past experiences. We crave connection and indeed, many consider it to be the cornerstone of modern civilization.
As an introverted extrovert I love to interact with others. In fact, one of my biggest beliefs is that collaboration is central to growth. On the one hand, I can't believe that we learn more in isolation than we can in interacting with others. It's interaction, communication, conflict and agreement in ideas and concepts that bring about novel thoughts. On the other hand, it is my introverted side that allows me to understand the world around me through isolation. It's through meditation, observation (myself and others), questioning and re-questioning myself as well as through reading and analyzing things I've read that I am able to form the thoughts that end up on your screen.
A few years ago or even just one year ago (*in this case 2014), I would not have been able to write about today's topic. It's a fairly novel thought for me, but I think it holds tremendous weight as a concept. If you take my experiences to see if/how they apply in your own life you may also find it to be equally interesting.
Many of you know by now that I spend a lot of time on the road, moving from place to place. Often, I spend only six months to a year in any given place. Not all of you may be "travellers" in exactly the same way, but I think we can all agree that we are all on our own journeys. Despite the number of “moves” we may make, there's no doubt that we all traverse time, accumulate experiences and live a variety of highs and lows. Like you, I go through this same process and it helps shape me.
I believe that learning from different cultures as well as the mental and spiritual growth I encounter with my moves makes things easier for me to gauge in retrospect, but I am continually learning through my own experiences.
One thing, in particular, is relationships. Constantly traveling around makes a lasting relationships difficult for me, to say the least. It's not impossible, but improbable.
My thought process goes something like: "Why commit yourself to something that is unlikely to last?" I know, there are a number of holes in this logic and you're right to think so, but it's a key thought I have trouble letting go of.
* 2022 side note: I’ve come to learn more recently, that this might actually be a defence mechanism for my own vulnerabilities, which I am trying to dive deeper into. I’ll be speaking on those ideas in future blog posts. On that note…*
As a result, I live by the rule of the expiration date: the understanding that there is a fixed time limit that cannot or should not be exceeded. At some point, it will become necessary to end things.
Regardless of good times, strong connections or, of course, love, it is understood between both parties that things will need to end. It's not a cold process. It's something that comes from understanding one another, the environment, the situation and the moment in time. It's painful, certainly, but it's something that is almost necessary to maintain sanity.
Ironic because it seems a bit insane, doesn't it?
At first glance, I would agree with you. Even a year ago, I would have agreed that it might be a bit insane to live that way. It's only in the last year that I've realized that it's not as insane as it seems. Even more so when you think of the alternative.
I want you to honestly think of all the past relationships you've had—some of you may want to include the one you're in right now. I believe that if you can truly look into your past objectively, you will almost always be able to identify your expiration date with that person.
To be brutally honest, I think most things have an expiration date. We simply choose to act on it or not. You know I love metaphors, so here's another for you.
Think of your carton of milk. I think it's fairly standard that milk everywhere around the world has an expiration date printed on it, so no matter where you are, you'll all be able to relate. When you first buy milk, it's fresh, yes? When you put the milk in your fridge, it's fresh yes? After a week, the milk in your fridge is usually fresh, yes?
Now, at some point, if you still have the milk you'll reach the expiration date. If you've ever chanced living on the wild side, then you'll have tried the milk... one day? two days? Maybe a week after the expiration date and it's still okay.
Here's the important part: At some point, whether it's a week or two weeks after the expiration date, the milk will go bad. No exceptions, it's just the rule.
In the same way, most relationships have an expiration date. If you know yourself and you are completely honest with yourself then you know when that is. Even if you go past the date by a week or a month or a year, it will come. No exceptions, it's just the rule.The question is whether you act on it right away or keep sipping at something that just won't get any better, waiting for doomsday.
Don't misunderstand me, I'm not saying all relationships are doomed to fail. If you're in a perfect relationship with the person you've always dreamed of and there's nothing you could want for: Great! Does that person feel the exact same as you? Are you absolutely sure? Excellent! Then you've got something amazing and you should hold on to that. It's special. Very, very, special, in fact.
For most of you, especially in the younger years, it's simply not the case and that's okay. I try not to be biased towards youth, but I mention this specifically because it's more likely for this to happen to this age group than to adults, due to both maturity and changes that are bound to happen in their lives but this holds true for both younger and older people: We change.
We are in a constant state of growth and of discovery, more so in youth than in maturity (whatever the hell that is). Why people are afraid to outgrow their partners is baffling from my perspective. I think that if one person continues growing while another stops or if people grow at different rates then it's unfair to hold the other person back unless you're willing/trying to grow at the same level or at least with them (it should be reciprocal in this case).
We see this in education. Some kids grow faster than others or respond to certain methods while others don't. Sometimes kids grow later or in different domains. This is completely fine as long as they grow, but if they stop then the whole class can't stop or else they suffer.
The same phenomenon occurs with partners especially when they're younger and still discovering what makes them tick—what makes them passionate and excited—when they are still discovering who they are.
With so many people struggling to discover what makes them get up in the morning it's amazing for me to see people so convinced that their partner is the right one. How can you know who's right for you when you can't even be sure of what you love to do? I think the former carries more variables and a lot more risk, don't you?
In any case, there's nothing wrong with admitting that your relationship will expire. I think it's normal and it’s a natural progression of becoming the person you want to be. Whether it's a week, a month or a year. The key is to act on the expiration date and throw out the milk when it's past due.
*Note: Do not attempt the same method with people. The “throwing out” part, anyway.
I've been around the world and met an incredible amount of couples and individuals looking for a partner. You would be amazed at what you can learn from their body language and the interactions that they have. I can almost instantly spot people on their first date, people who have just gotten together or been together for a long time and... people who just aren't right for each other anymore. It oozes off of them like you would not believe. And, while my adherence to the expiration date may leave me in many bouts of singlehood, I would choose that over a bad relationship any day, wouldn't you?
I think that being alone can be hard sometimes, but isn't it so much better than forcing yourself to believe in something you just don't believe in anymore? Think about a video game, hobby or religion. You may once have loved these things, but if it at some point it doesn't sense anymore then you just let it go. Isn't that a better alternative to all the fighting, all the lies and all the moments you wish you could be free?
Of course, it's easier if the feeling is mutual and a thousand times more difficult if it's not, but even then, don't you owe it to the other person share how you feel? You owe it to you and your significant other to share what you feel. Isn't that what a modern relationship is built on? Isn't it doubly true with all the masks, misinformation and concealment that the age of technology has permitted?
I'm a huge advocates of what-ifs, but not the aimless kind, so here's something worth trying next time you question your situation.
What is the worst (and I mean worst) possible thing that could happen if you were brutally honest about how you feel?
What is the best possible thing that could happen if you were brutally honest about you feel?
That's it. These are not difficult questions.
For me, if the answer to 1. isn't "Death" then it can't possible be that bad, right? On the opposite side, what's the best possible thing? I'll let your mind run wild, but it's absolutely crucial to ask yourself this. And, if you really care about the other person, ask yourself the question from their point of view.
They might be hurt, but think of all the time that would be wasted for them if you weren't honest. It's shitty, it really is, but one day they may thank you for letting them go, for not wasting their time.
I'm not belittling your feelings at all. I understand that this is beyond difficult to do, I really do. I've been there. It's hard. Insanely hard, but it's necessary. Nothing worth having was ever easy to acquire.
And yeah, maybe I am a little bit insane, but I think that by now you see that there's a little sense within the madness. Life isn't easy to navigate, much less love.
When you deal with other people and have learned to navigate their thoughts, beliefs and values then you increase the level of complexity immeasurably. It's a wonderful and difficult journey, but it's one that requires a certain level of responsibility.
You need to take responsibility for the emotions and the moments that you share with another person. It just comes with the package deal—that’s probably why they call it baggage). These can turn into wonderful memories over time and for all of us that's exactly what they are: memories.
We can choose to taint the wonderful moments with sour milk or greet them with a fond smile and a tip of the hat. The pain eventually turns into a nostalgic time that can never be replaced, but that's if you can move forward honestly, without holding back.
Anything less and you're cheating yourself and more importantly, someone else of time they can never get back. To me, there's nothing worse than wasted time; although, wasting time with someone whom you care for and cares for you isn't wasted. It's a fine line, but it's the difference between a great love and stumbling through the darkness from one mediocre romance to another.
So, maybe you are right and the way I live by the expiration date is a bit insane, but at least it comes from a place of honesty, thought and care.
I know I'm a far cry from perfection and in the end that makes me a fool, yes, a foolish, foolish human.
It also makes me an honest one.
