Control

When we look at psychology texts or even our own lives, we often hear of three big Fears: Fear of Failure, Fear of disappointing others and Fear of not being good enough. It’s often said that the root of all our fears or anxieties stem from of the Big 3, but today I’d like to explore a fourth: Fear of control (or lack of it).

It had never crossed my mind before, but as I’ve reflected on my life and my past relationships, it turns out that I’m a closet control freak.

Hypocritical of someone who’s whole ethos is Freedom, isn’t it?

To be honest, I’d never considered the idea since most people would refer to me as quite “chill,” and I am, but there is one area where I trip up and my Fear overtakes me against my better judgment: people.

In the same way that we might say, “Control only what you can control,” the opposite is also true where “You can’t control what you can’t control”

You’ll sense that there’s a theme in the blog recently, but guess where it all came from? Childhood.

Like most bad habits we need to unlearn, this one stems from years of growing up and being nurtured in a specific way, and mine was specifically in a very controlled environment. In fact, this is the very reason why Freedom is so core to who I am today, perhaps in rebellion to the way I was raised.

If you’re just getting to know me, I was a competitive basketball player and every minute of every week was structured between practices, trainings, games and tournaments. I was often told things like:

“Control what you can control”

“Don’t go through the motions”

“Put 120% into anything that you do”

“If you work hard enough, you can make anything happen”

And, while that’s great within the context of sports or work, the same rules don’t apply when you’re dealing with people.

I’ve often reflected on the fact that through these mentalities I’ve achieved a great degree of success in my life, in many respects, except for one: relationships.

Why?

Well, to put it simply, you can’t control people. You can’t control who they are. You can’t control what they want. You can’t control what they feel.

And, as if the Universe was staring from above, laughing at my all my elaborate plans, all of my heartbreaks have come from the feeling that maybe I could control things if I tried hard enough or if I put more effort.

Spoiler alert: You can’t.

The curious part of it all is that the confusion, stress, anxiety, pain, obsession and rumination may not even about the person or the relationship itself, but the feeling that I’ve lost control of something. That feeling can be extrapolated to the degree that you feel like you have lost control of everything and it makes you question everything you thought you knew about yourself.

Why?

Well, because “If you work hard enough, you can make anything happen”

And yes, while this may true in games and in work, the same can’t be said of interpersonal relationships.

Being able to let go of something, in part, comes from being able to let go of Control. It’s accepting that there are some things that you just can’t control, no matter how much you want or try to. Sometimes, people just… leave.

To me, the idea of not being in control of something, of my destiny, is absolutely terrifying. The idea that someone or something could waltz in and out of your life, leaving either a path of destruction… or of beauty that you may never experience again… it’s sad.

It’s scary to experience as your mortality stares you straight in the face.

It tests your soul, your emotions, your mind.

It shakes your faith in yourself to the very core and makes you question everything you thought you knew. As I’ve mentioned before, our fears and our Void is what causes us to lash out and bleed on people that never cut you.

For all my introspection and thought, it’s something I’d never considered about myself. How about you?

Vulnerability, Respect, Acceptance, Boundaries, Control.

There’s so much to consider, so much to, for lack of a better word, control, and yet there is nothing at all. Control what you can control and also remember, you can’t control what you can’t control. One crucial part of that is needing to accept that fact.

You need to accept that there are some things that are just out of your hands.

Maybe this is the beginning of learning to let go, which has always been the hardest thing in the world, at least for me.

Maybe this is the beginning of being able to truly understand my flaws and where they come from.

Maybe this is the beginning of finally facing a Fear that I never knew existed, but that has bled onto every one of my relationships so far.

It’s unfair.

It’s unfair to everyone that had to feel that Fear manifested. It’s unfair to those whose freedoms I may have limited in pursuit of my own selfishness. And, it’s unfair to me and the self-sabotage I’ve put myself through.

We are all different at the end of the day and sometimes we just feel the way we feel. We’re not wrong for feeling the way we do, it’s our Truth, unfortunate as that might be for someone else.

The same is true of others, they feel the way they do, and though it can be hard to accept: You can’t control what you can’t control.

It is a painful reality, but that is also a part of life.

Focus on what you can control.

The only thing within your power is your own choices, your reactions to a situation, and how you grow forward from there.

It won’t help with the turmoil you feel in the short-term, but in the end, we’ll all need to learn the lesson eventually. I just had to do it the hard way.