If not now, then when? (Part 2)
If not now, then when?
It’s a phrase I keep asking myself these days. It’s been more relevant than ever and it has a lot to do with reconnecting with yourself, understanding who you are, and what it is that you desire deep down.
It’s a question I’m asking myself right now, as I sit on my back porch, listening to the sound of the wind rustling its way through the leaves, waiting for autumn’s kiss to seal the end of a summer that will no doubt go down in the books as an educational one (for me).
On one hand, this summer has been a learning experience in speed and in balance. There’s been a lot of careful contemplation of the voice within, the one that moves and whispers words wisdom that influence the flowing tides of creation, inspiration and discipline.
Sometimes the moment spoken is rest.
Sometimes the moment spoken is action.
Sometimes the moment spoken is adventure.
I’ve learned to listen more, to slow down and honour what my body feels, for it is an act of self-care that is necessary for perspective. Interestingly, it can sometimes be overtaken by a feeling of lethargy that makes you ask if you are not doing enough. Sometimes that feeling is valid, but as the feeling persists, it sometimes makes me wonder if there isn’t another message being whispered, saying that something else is needed.
This summer has also been one of reflection and stillness. In those slowed down moments of reflection and stillness is where I ask the deeper questions that address the creeping doubts that slowly consume the parts of me that want for more.
Now, I won’t pretend that my whole summer has been spent in quiet reflection, it’s actually been quite the opposite, but that’s kind of the point, isn’t it? It’s precisely in those moments of stillness and non-distraction that similar patterns of thought start to resurface and themes start to reveal themselves.
One of the things I’ve learned this year is how we often distract ourselves away from addressing the things that create the Void. And, despite how we may try to distract ourselves away into oblivion, that nagging Void still exists just beneath surface, waiting for a moment of stillness to find its opportunity to breathe doubt into you once again.
Reconnecting with the activities that bring you joy, as I noted in Part 1 of this entry, can fill a part of that gap by allowing you to reconnect with a more primal and visceral version of you that opens the gates to a bigger and grander future more aligned with your being.
Still, here we are with Part 2, asking the same question again.
Today’s post wasn’t meant to be a spiritual exploration, so I wouldn’t want us to get lost in a rabbit hole—and trust me, there are a few here that I’m already just about ready to dive into.
Actually, this is a post I’ve been wanting to write from the other perspectives of Freedom, so let’s jump in.
The Void I’ve been feeling most recently stems from two deeply rooted ideas I’ve felt for a long time, which are that: I feel a disconnect with my city and that I feel called to a life of change.
You can call it a disconnect in values or what have you, but I believe that cities, like people, have certain values.
Born and raised in Toronto, I have tremendous love for my stomping grounds and unfortunately I see it becoming a world apart from what I once knew. There’s nothing to be done to stop progress for the sake of progress, and I’ve had to accept that.
I’ve managed to find peace in the knowledge that there will always be pockets that are reminiscent of the place my city once was.
However, on a deeper level, what troubles me is the values in the populace and the buying into a life that reminds me of “all that glitters is gold.”
It’s become a city obsessed with FOMO, and for all the pretty things that may exist on its surface, the city has become a place dominated by Fear, though it would never admit it to itself. It’s no doubt the nature of most big cities.
Always connected, always comparing, always wanting to be seen or feel important.
In our Fear of not being accepted, we kill the parts of ourselves that make us beautiful for fear of being rejected or not accepted. We twist and contort the version of ourselves that is True and trade it in for a persona that exists on the peripherals of people we will likely never meet or truly connect with, but that we crave validation from all the same. It’s a plague that I find is spreading faster than any virus could.
It’s a rapid deterioration of values, of self-awareness, of care for one another and our tribes/communities, that we fill instead with the empty promises of instant gratification and impermanent/superficial pleasures.
“These violent delights, have violent ends.”
At the end of the day, we all have our own prerogatives and by all means, people can find pleasure in whatever they please. My own issue with it is that once this happens on a large scale, this mindset can infect a place and become the norm. The community that once made a place beautiful becomes lost to “progress” and people who flocked to that community for its values and value ultimately dilute it in the process.
This exact feeling is something I’ve felt happening for many years and I’m starting to really come to terms that there is a lack of alignment with my “home”, and so now I ask myself: If not now, then when?
As I’ve come to learn, just because you can feel attachment to something, it doesn’t mean that it is always aligned with who you are as your own being.
The second thing I’ve come to embrace this year is that I am called to a life of change. As a child, I wanted to do and be everything in the world, and I still do.
I mentioned in my last post that life is a playground and I will build sand castles wherever I damn well please.
I am in constant evolution and re-invention of myself, the only constant is change. Adventure is the spice of life and growth is the meat of it.
As I think back on all the drastic changes I’ve lived through, the adventures that have stretched my ways of thinking, and the different versions of me that have been created, destroyed and built back up again; it’s no wonder that I feel like, to an extent, I’ve outgrown my home.
“If not now, then when?” isn’t only something I speak of from a spiritual alignment perspective, but also from a physical and financial perspective as well.
I’ve always felt that travel was my biggest passion in life and for the few years that I’ve been back at home, I’ve been living a certain degree of languish. Part of it is the lack of change and living similar realities on a day to day basis, but the other part, which is much more important, is that I am no longer aligned with my city in its present state… though it’s hard to process, the answer is that it’s okay.
I’ve been privileged enough to live in a half-dozen places that have shown me that alignment is more than possible. To be frank, that’s probably where my languish comes from. As they say, ignorance is bliss.
Maybe if I’d never known more I’d be more satisfied, we’ll never know.
I will always have love for my home, for the city that raised me, but it doesn’t have to mean that I can’t love it at a distance and accept it for what it is today.
The world is vast and the routes are endless. It’s the people we meet along the way that make a place a home.
I know for a fact that there are places in the world where I’ll find people that align with who I am. The choice then becomes whether I want to be authentic in who I am and choose to be in a place where people are celebrated for it and feel free enough to do the same.
As we move into the end of summer and the last few months of the year, I will continue to ask myself…
If not now, then when?
Once again, it seems like change is coming.
